REWIND
REWIND
This song is dedicated to my dad, to all the people who lost someone they love, and to the ones feeling alone, carrying the heavyest burden life can give - death followed by sorrow, guilt and shame. I was all alone in this big painful world, devoured by darkness. I wish to tell you a part of my story of being left behind.
I think we all have that feeling sometimes, that desire and longing to rewind, the wish to travel into the past, where we could do and say things differently. I often find myself thinking back on the past that is no longer present, but still strong in its presence. I want to search, maybe I find something of value, that I wouldn't or rather couldn't understand before. I have experienced that society and the people in it too often neglect to search their past. One common reason is that the past often carries pain, pain you so dearly would like to forget. It is easier to look forward, dream of what's to come, to think of something beautiful. But then we also lose our footing, we lose touch with reality. Because we are not just our future, we are never promised a future, all we do have is the here and now, and how do we make use of that now?
I struggled for a long time to get in touch with reality, my head was always in my past or in my future, all I could think about was the things I had said or done wrong, I still do sometimes. I grieve. You cannot simply forget, you may say to others that you have, but deep down, you know that not to be true. All the pain, the beauty, the darkness, the light you remember, we have memory because we are meant to remember, remember who we are. Trace back, see our steps and learn from everything that has come to pass. I will never stop looking back, if I learn something new by looking back, then that is surely what I will do. But doing so takes courage, a strong heart and a warrior soul. It took me years to be able to search into my past and find something of value. For many years I only found pain, pain that only held me down. The pain was suffocating, heartbreaking, gut wrenching. But slowly and surely, the years gave me courage, strength and heart. Because I had seen the darkness so many times, it was also armoring me to go back in and face all the monsters in the dark, alone, time and time again…
Do you remember the ones you love and lost? The ones you wish you could have back, even just for a moment?
I think we all have done things we wish we could have said or done differently. I sure have, I keep rewinding them in my head again and again, they’re like ghosts that never die. A big part of me is still that child, left behind. I carry the marks, the marks no one can see or hear. A part of me is with him, a piece I will never get back. I am left with something missing, a darkness, so I remember, I remember because I want to learn, because I need to know where I come from, so I don’t make that same mistake. I love my dad and I wish I could bring him back to life, but sadly I never will, so I remember and I grieve, again and again, because that is the only way I can carry all of me. My darkness with my light. I am not whole without the other. This is very painful to admit, agonizing to carry, but if I don’t, I slowly lose myself in this black hole.
I didn’t know this before, because I got lost. It was only me, I had no one by my side, no family that would talk about this tragedy, everything got buried with my dad. I traveled the darkness all alone, without guidance, without light. It devoured me, piece by piece. But at least now I recognize the places, because I have walked them before, a path has been laid out after my past self, so I hope I can help others who also walk through darkness, knowing that they do not walk alone. On this path we can walk from victim to victor, again and again, because life is a constant battle, you must never forget to fight for yourself! You are worth the fight!
Come with me on a journey through darkness, where we will face our truth, and roar like we've been torn - from victim to victor!
It is time you
"See Your Gold®"
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