Shame
Shame
Let’s talk about shame, that destructive shame that makes you hide your face…
The time has come for me to share something that has been close to my soul for a long time. I want to share, because I want to help. Maybe there are someone out there who have experienced or are experiencing a similar reality, and feel alone and lost.
Shame is the feeling that gnaws at you, the one that never lets you rest wherever you are. Shame is linked to others and to yourself. Shame is how you perceive yourself based on how others have treated you. But it is rarely a reflection of reality. Shame is deep; it is cold, it is brutal, but most of all it is destructive. There will always be people who don’t "fit in" with other people's views of the world. Everyone else always has an opinion about you as a person. There are so many demands about who you should be at all times. No one can ever fulfill these. Shame gives power, power over the victim who gets inflicted. Shame is carried alone, for we all have our own shame, shame that is created by others, but carried by us. The destructive effect of shame is about hiding one's face. I wish to talk about what it means to live a life in hiding, where you do not dare to show your face, because you are afraid of being judged, afraid that others will say that you are not enough, that you do not belong. So the shame suffocates you even harder, because every time you try and get rejected as a result, the shame deepens and grips firmer claws in you.
I wrote a short article for one of the town newspapers when I was 15 years old, about dangerous dieting, and how young people are affected in such a way that they no longer have an alternative. That we are constantly told directly and indirectly that we are not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, successful enough, good enough. We as young people are taught why we should change, but not what makes us so great! In my childhood and adolescence I got my self-image destroyed both at school and at home, the two places where we all are shaped as human beings. For me the destructive effect of shame has taken shape through deep anxiety to take chances, anxiety that others would look at me, because I felt wrong. I was afraid to look at myself, afraid to try and fail, afraid to show my whole self, because I was afraid of rejection and judgment. I have carried this heavy cold feeling for too long. But now it's time for me to show you who I am and where I come from. Because shame is not only my truth, it is also the truth of many others.
I was bullied in both primary and middle school (age 6-15); I was laughed at because ''I had too long a fringe'' and ''weird shoes'' and ''wrong clothes'', I was beaten because ''I talked back'', I got pushed down the stairs because ''I was different’’, I was pushed ''because I was too confident in myself'', I was threatened, excluded and physically attacked on several occasions, just because I was who I was. There were two cases in particular I remember so well what a teacher did to me in middle school, he was very fond of bullying students, he did it repeatedly to several of us, and it was always public: An incident that I especially remember, happened in the music lessons. This was our contact teacher throughout middle school, and was not exactly a person you could avoid. Every time we had music, only the teacher would play with some of the boys. None of the girls were allowed to touch the bigger instruments, I once took an acoustic guitar with me out into the hallway with some of the girls and played a bit. Then suddenly the teacher came out and yelled at me, and demanded that I put the guitar back in place, he asked us to just watch the boys play. I got so angry and confused! What was wrong with us? There were also always only two girls, of course the two who were considered to be "the popular", who were allowed to sing. This was so unfair! So another day when the music lesson was next, I thought: ‘‘Today I will dare to show myself’’. I insisted on being allowed to sing, and to my surprise I was allowed, I asked if they could play the song down a keynote, because they played the song too high for me and my voice. They smiled a little and said no, I had to sing the way they played. So I sang, the dark tones went very well, but then came the chorus, and my voice cracked. So they just laughed at me, the teacher and the boys and a few of the girls. I walked out of the room and cried. I reported this teacher to the principal of this school, but I was never taken seriously. I was neither seen nor heard.
The other arena where the shame grew strong, was at home. I was told that my brother was better. When I needed help with my homework it ended in a fight of screaming voices. I never got any hugs, I was never told I was loved, or that I was smart or pretty. There was always something wrong with me, I was never good enough. These repeated experiences attributed to my deep performance anxiety and low self value that lasted for such a long time. ‘‘Good girl’’ syndrome got imprinted. The lack of recognition at home gave me a huge handicap, which haunted me for a long time.
What hurts most of all is that no one stood up for me when others treated me unfairly, it has been the toughest lesson of my whole life. No voices have been for me, while my voice has been for many. I never hesitated, never succumbed for anyone, at any age. I have not lived an easy life, but that has not been the meaning of my life either. As a child this was brutal and cold, but as an adult I realize that this has been my gift, and that it is now I get the most use for it. My brutal experiences have not been for nothing, it has been for me to learn, to be more humble, stronger, more just, more honest and more truthful. I have learned to fight, I can relate to the familiar ‘‘chaoskampf’’ in mythology that reflects a constant battle agains chaos, the fight is forever repetative. Which my song ‘‘Shame’’ also does. The repetative struggle in my verses, is my ‘‘chaoskampf’’ - I have fought and still fight that monster daily. When you no longer rise up and fight that is the day the monsters will prevail. It is time to roar and go to war!
All these years I have searched for myself. Tried to look for clues, and finally in 2020 I saw myself for my own worth. If life was easy, it would not be worth living. Life needs darkness to find light. If light was the only thing we knew, it would fade, we need reminders of how precious life can be. Hurtful challenges create growth! I do not mean by saying this, that I am grateful for all my brutal endurings, I fucking hate it! But I am thankful for having the chance to prove everyone wrong, those who thought little of me, those who laughed at me, those who called me weak, those who hit me, those who whispered nasty things about me, all those people who made me feel less. This is my testimony to them that I have moved mountains they never have and never will! I move and dance in a way they never have and never will. I was and am so much more than they made me. They created my shame, a shame I integrated for a long time, I have not ridden myself from it, but I am aware of it every day, so I need to remind myself, that this shame is not mine, it is the shame of others, others who have marked me with their own shame and insecurities. I am more! I deserve more! I hug my little girl inside, and tell her ‘’it was never you, it was always them. I love you so’’ Never forget!
Everytime you hear that rumbling voice inside you or from others telling you you don’t belong, you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough. Everyday you will look back and say ‘‘No more! No more!’’
Yes, we have all failed, we have all stumbled to find our way, but everyday you make a choice of who you want to be in this world. Think about how you want to be remembered, is it so hard to be kind to others (people, nature, animals)? If you do, then you have a problem that you need to talk to someone about. It is time you speak up, be honest, be kind: It is time you wake up! Wake up to yourself and your surroundings. What is the print you want to leave in this world? Can you use your voice for something good?
It is time to look at yourself in the mirror! I know for myself that I struggled to actually look at myself in the mirror, every now and then I still catch myself avoiding mirrors. It is unconscious. You feel ashamed, on the inside and outside. Your self image has been shattered, upside down. My self image got crushed to pieces in school because of bullying, and at home because of the lack of recognition. Today I am glad I am different. It has given me the gift of creating my own path. I am the queen of my own world! So can you be! Shame comes in many forms, but when you see the shame for what it is, you also see where the problem lies. You will know what it is and where it lies, and can prevent it from destroying you. Turn your face towards the mirror, and meet your monsters and scream out: No more! I deserve better, I am better...I am! Then look at yourself, truly see yourself in the eyes, those one of a kind eyes, and see your own worth and give yourself the love you deserve!
It has taken a lot of courage to see my self-worth, and in 2019 I completed my master's degree in theology, but I was unfulfilled. So in the beginning of 2020, I gathered all my strength and decided to follow my inner voice, my gift: Music! Recently my very first single got out on all the musical platforms, my debut single called "Shame", this is a raw and real song close to my heart. It is about that destructive shame that I have shared with you, and about what I fight through and which I know many others can relate to. Most of all I want to help others through my music, I want to create a more conscious awareness of the dark sides of life.
Remember to never give up the fight, even though it is repetative! Love & Respect yourself!
‘’Come with me on a journey through darkness where we will face our truth, and roar like we've been torn - From victim to victor!’’
It is time you…
‘‘See Your Gold®’’
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